Eclipse - Fleetwood's Review
Oh Catherine, Where Art Thou?!?
There's an absolutely hilarious sketch that Rowan Atkinson did during his one-man show years ago, where he plays the father of the bride making a speech during the wedding reception. He starts by praising the gentleman Martin, whom he with wonderful words acknowledges as the very best choice his daughter could've made for a husband. He then wonders why the f*ck she chose the walking waste of space Gerald instead. That's how I felt I should start me review of Eclipse, upon walking out of the screening room: express all the magical feelings of praise and wonder I felt. About Toy Story 3.
Bare with me here folks, I got a lot to say.
Let's start by giving due recognition to director David Slade and consider him for what he is: a magician. A goddamn wizard who pulled off not one but three Tour de Force. First off because he managed to turn 12 and a half minutes of storytelling into a 2 hours and 4 minutes movie. Second because of his accomplishment of making those 2 hours feel like 12 -the guy sitting behind me was trying to sell his neighbour insurance so much he was bored, and the other guy was interested in buying! And last but not least, Slade, the guy who made 30 Days of Night, appeared to -ironically- eclipse Catherine Hardwicke's own entry by making an even cheesier chick flick; even my wife complained there was WAY too much smooching and sulking in the damn thing. I couldn't help thinking this should be required viewing for Tim Burton's whole cast and crew once he finally comes around to doing Dark Shadows. "Alright folks, now THIS is way worse than the soap we're adapting, m'kay?"
At this point in my reviews I like to devote a paragraph to detailing the film's plot, but hell if I can even spare more than two words on this, and here they are: WHAT plot?!? And I'm not even kidding; this thing is like a 2-hour deleted scene from the previous film. Nothing happens but the same as in New Moon; you got the vampire who's in love with a chick played by the little brat who calls her fans "retards" (f*ck me I hate that word - people who throw it around like she does make me sick) who in turn has a werewolf in love with her. And that's pretty much the plot. There's something about a war of somekind coming but that one goes by so fast it barely registers on the Like-I-Care scale. And that's another thing - it doesn't suck JUST because of the crappy source material, it's also NOT a well made movie.
As previously there's a silver lining in that the wolves are pretty impressive, although they look more obviously CG this time around; still, they're pretty cool and like New Moon offers better creatures than most lyncathropy films - just watched Joe Johnston's The Wolfman recently (the one with Benicio) and DAM that's bad... But otherwise every aspect of the production could've seriously used some experience behind the wheel. Right off the bat, very first scene of the film, things start out with a cool blues song that fades out awkwardly after only 10 seconds, giving the viewer a warning that music cues and editing are shabby - and they are. Editing left me under the impression they were trying to emulate Chris Nolan in showing less of the action sequences in order to let the mind fill the rest and themselves put more focus on character; problem is there IS no character development (at least none that isn't overly sappy) and what visuals we do see only makes it look like laziness mixed with 15-years-behind CG effects. Chris Nolan was NOWHERE near this thing no matter how hard they wished.
I can hear Twitrolls from here and I concede the point: my beloved Clerks was no masterpiece in those regards, but then again, why do folks love Clerks so much? Because a) it feels reel, and b) dialogues are incredibly sharp and biting. You fools know I'm no Shakespeare in my literary skills so imagine what it means when I say I was rewriting almost every piece of dialogue in my head with something that would've been 100 times better. Again, incredibly lazy; no effort whatsoever in trying to make those characters even SOUND interesting no to mention interested. Seriously, do the exercise if you plan to see the film, fill in the dialogues with what they should've said instead and you'll be surprised after a minute or two how much whoever wrote this didn't even try. It reeks of the Michael Bay philosophy in that department - who the F cares about substance, those suckers are gonna give us a box-office smash anyway!
Again not so much a bad factor IF you got a strong thespian to spew out the lines. Or at least one who cares about the film and fans. This moment of laughter is brought to you by... It's extremely sad to see those people going about on screen; half of them don't like it but do it because it pays well, the other half are way better than this but got stuck doing it for some reason. Like the bubbly Anna Kendricks who snagged herself a goddamn Oscar nomination for crying out loud - the powers clearly tried to put her up a little more just to show they got themselves an Oscar nominee playing a small part, but the resulting effect is pity for her. Go, little Anna, run free and spread your talent where it matters!
The biggest and most sincere smile I had was right before the film; first trailer showed was for Barney's Version, the flick that gave Summit a reason to sack Rachelle Lefevre in favor of a better known actress. As usual I stuck around the main hall after the film to chat with fellow victims, and one thing was clear: Bryce Dallas Howard is a looker but not nearly antagonistic enough for that part. Rachelle had the perfect blend of silent aggression and deep rising menace for that, but her potentially cool-villain character got drowned by a bunch of suits and an unfortunately inept actress. I haven't seen many of her films so i can't judge her overall abilities, but here, well, she's a looker and that's about it. If you ask me though, Lefevre is hotter... Yeah, I know, she's from Montreal like me. Hey, represent!
Props to Taylor Lautner, not a great actor by any stretch but the only one having a great time, and proprietor of easily the best lines and delivery in the whole film. Kid's got nothing to loose, knows full well he came this close to losing the part in the second film and that this is the best chance he'll ever have to become a recognized actor. So he's just tearing into the role, making up for what he lacks in craft, and that's kinda refreshing. His two co-stars, Kristew and Ropat, I have nothing nice to say about them; the feeling is clear, distinct and awkward that those two have little respect for the fans that put them on top of the Hollywood food chain. Why so many tweens adulate a walking tree and a mumbler is beyond me.
Once more, not a disastrous factor in itself if salvaged by a passionate director. And here we have a guy who months before getting the job swore off crap like this -and named the franchise as an example. Was he really joking with those comments and liked the material enough to do it "justice"? Let's see. About 3 minutes into the film we get a sparkle-under-the-sun moment for the lead vampire, like a giant talking Michael Jackson glove; my wife and I exchanged looks - was that a jab at how stupid the whole concept of sparkling under the sun is? Can't be! But wait, here comes a shirtless Jacob Black, and just as the female cheering is at its loudest the vampire says "doesn't he own a shirt". ZING, and the male crowd goes wild! The whole film feels like it was made by a guy who took the job for the money and tries very hard to tell his own usual demo that he didn't really mean to do that one. Dude, let's face it, you sold out, period.
One bad element of a film doesn't make it a disaster, but when everything about it feels wrong you just can't tiptoe around it anymore; no story, no sense of pace, extremely wooden acting, excruciating dialogues and no distinct direction - not a good movie period even for a chick flick. I would've been incredibly more nice and even interested had Catherine Hardwicke remained onboard; her indie roots made the first one more interesting that it deserved to be, and she has a knack fo getting passionate plays out of her actors. But David Slade rode a paycheck crew and dished out a film I would call way worse than the book IF I had been ludicrous enough to read it - tried to digest the first but it was so badly written I didn't care if the story itself was good or not, I just HAD to put it down. and it wasn't. I almost feel bad for Bill Condon, though it should be said that from this point on he's got nowhere to go but up.
Favorite bit:
"Dude, you really don't wanna start comparing stench!" Mouahahahaha!
Worse bit:
They f*cking killed Jodelle Ferland!!!
Final Say: 3/10
Posted by Fleetwood - 7/3/2010 6:39:50 AM
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