Hey Fools! I’ve been trying for a long while to find time and means to pimp out or simply test drive for y’all movies that most have overlooked or simply can’t find in any kind of video store from their Heck of the woods. After careful deliberation I decided that this format was it, though I chose to kick-it off with a film not really available in shelves right away but in screener form for big-headed reviewers like me: Future X-Cops, released in Hong Kong on April 15. I must say as much as I like all you Fools and revel in bringing movie stuff to the site for all to discover, I want my Goddamn 90 minutes back!

In the year 2080, a “Sky Canopy” has been erected over Hong Kong to harness solar energy, thus stopping fossil fuel emissions and protecting the environment. How does it work? Who cares. Important thing is industrialists still want to profit from said fossil fuels, because they haven’t watched Al Gore’s documentary.  So they send cyborg assassins back in time to kill John Connors. Er...sorry, kill the scientist behind the canopy thing. And that scientist sends recently widowed officer Kidd (Andy Lau) back to meet Doc Brow..er, his young self.

How does time travel work? Who cares, it just does, so accept it at face value without any explanation.  Only thing you need to know about it is they need to transform Kidd into a robot, with only his head intact, for the trip. ‘Cause that’s what happens when your wife dies in front of you and leaves you with an 8 year-old daughter. AND send his 8 year-old daughter with him; Why? Who cares. How come she remembers not she’s from the future? Who cares. Oh, and one more thing: when you send someone back 60 years to protect your young self, DO NOT tell him where you are in that era; he’ll have much more fun spending 2 years trying to locate you. And anyway, the bad guys will only get there at the end of those two years, so...

The films comes from controversial writer/director/actor Jing Wong, who’s been churning out 3 or 4 movies a year since ’78, so I figured there’d be a lot of baggage and experience in this sucker. Plus, film’s star Andy Lau, mega-famous in Hong Kong and one of the main names in my beloved Infernal Affairs trilogy, put his full marketing weight behind it, saying he hoped it would encourage more local filmmakers to tackle sci-fi. If he meant Power Ranger rip-offs for the pre-school crowd, then fine. Actually, rip-offs, period. The film steals from so many (better) sci-fi flicks it made my head spin; Blade Runner, Terminator, Iron Man, Robocop, Spider-Man, Wanted, hell even Inspector Gadget!!!

Of course any sci-fi film coming out after December 2009 will be unfairly compared to the mega-budget effects of Avatar, but films with lesser means usually more than make-up for it with heart and guts, tight writing and story, or just really fun performances. Case in point, The Specials; no budget, shitty visuals, no action sequence whatsoever and no big name, yet easily one of the Top-3 Superhero/Comic Book satires ever.  NOT the case here! Dialogues must’ve been written by the director’s grade school son, story is a big word for something that simply sets up visuals and “twists” (bad ones on both counts) and performances will make Paris Hilton feel better about her own “abilities”. Hell, even the title doesn’t make sense; there’s ONE cop from the future in the story, so why COPS plural?!? I wouldn't be surprised if even the guys from Global Asylum though it was bad.

Saying such things would be unfair toward a kiddie flick, which it isn’t; it is accessible for the whole family, but was meant as a PG-type sci-fi epic for all. What comes out of it is something that could easily be mistaken for one of Haim Saban’s worst achievements.  I’d be lenient if Andy Lau himself had done it for his toddler, but he HAS no kids! Pre-school viewers might appreciate, but their parents will probably put out a hit on the store clerk who recommended it.

Favorite Bit: A detective saves a lovely woman he never met from suicide by badly singing his love for her as he dangles from a bungee cord.  Funny in a bad-but-good kinda way.

Worst bit: The daughter, for whom Kidd sacrifices his life to protect, is a friggin robot. Which he totally knew about – HE had her built!!!

Verdict: Don't waste your time!